Connections
by KiriWells
Summary: James has been in love with the same person since as long as he could love. The connection that he felt was more than enough to keep him going on but it comes to an end one day. He is hurt by the lies that he suffered but those connections kept him coming back.


Hello everyone! I'm back hopefully for as long of a time as I was gone! This story is kind of a reintroduction to me. I hope you guys enjoy this story and will read others that I have written as well! Please enjoy and leave and review!

I don't own Big Time Rush or any of the characters. I also don't own the songs performed by Jess Godwin (Fool me Once) and Zedd ft. Foxes (Clarity). Wish I did though! Without further adieu enjoy~!

Connections

None of this had to happen. None of it. He didn't have to walk away without a single look of pain or hurt on his face. All of this was just a game to him the whole time. I knew that he was never capable of loving someone like me but I figured that he would have eventually gotten some sort of feelings for me. That he would at least have a frown on his face, yet there he goes completely unharmed and completely unphased.

Here I am now, a few days later completely harmed and phased. I haven't felt a pain like this and it seems as though there is no way to relieve my aching heart from this pain as much as I want it to and boy, do I want it to. I messed with my brown hair looking in the mirror making sure that it was perfect. Same with the glare free makeup that I was required to put on before a performance although it seems impossible at this moment because of the tears that were leaving lines in the makeup foundation that was keeping me from finishing my process.

There was a knock on the door suddenly and in walked one of the stage crew men. "Five minutes 'til curtain, Diamond." The voice said behind me.

"Alright. Thanks." I said looking through the mirror.

The door closed behind me and I took in a deep breathe. I held it for a while before I exhaled.

I finished applying the makeup after drying my eyes once again; the redness would have to stay. "Here you go James… You've got this… You have to have this." I say to myself before getting out of my seat. "It's now or never."

I turned the lights off that illuminated my mirror and walked to the door. I opened up the door and walked out and closed the door behind me. I patted my clothing feeling to make sure it felt right before walking down the dark pathways to where all the stage helpers were at, waiting for me to go out to calm the crowd that was screaming and cheering me on. 'Boy do I need the help.' I thought to myself, 'alright. Here we go happy James. Happy James.' I did a few jumps to get myself in the mood.

"Alright Mr. Diamond you're on!" Another guy said.

Usually they are practically fondling me attaching headpieces and wires around me keeping them as invisible as possible but I asked for them to change the order of the show making the final songs the sad, romantic songs. I walked out onto the stage with a smile waving to the crowd who continued to scream and shout. I made my way to center stage where I grabbed hold of the microphone that was set out for me.

"Hello everyone! How is everyone enjoying the show tonight?" I asked getting a ton of screams and shouts in response. "Haha great! Great! I hope you all enjoy these last songs!"

More screams filled the room until the music came on. The room slowly got quieter until the spotlight focused completely on me. Silence in the room as I looked out at the crowd as if I could see anything behind the blinding lights. But that was the rule. You look at the crowd, create a connection with them even if you will never see them again in your life because life is just about connections with other people. The music begins and I take hold of the microphone and bring it closer to my face before I start humming along to the song, "Fool me Once" that was originally sung by Jess Godwin.

"_I gotta hand it to you. You make it almost to easy for me..._" I began.

Everything that had happened since the breakup comes back to my mind. It was supposed to be a great week and a great show. I ended my tour after the show tonight and I was going to be off for a while before I started working more on my next album. Everything was going great. I had the man that I had wanted for so long, close by now that I was back in town. I had purposely tried to end the show here because I was close enough that I could see my boyfriend as often as I wanted even as I prepared for the shows monotonous chores such as wardrobe, mic checks, the first couple of days being back everything was great I couldn't tell that anything bad was going to happen. Of course things always get worse when you least expect them to.

"_So if you want to get together for a little bit we can do it in the middle of the concert while Heffron Drive performs again." I said looking up with a smile before looking back down at the paper in my hands. _

"_James. We have to break up… It's not healthy to be in a relationship where only one person likes the other." _

_I looked up from the schedule of the last show and put the paper down, the breaks would have to wait. I looked at my boyfriend with sad and hurt eyes which were the complete opposite of my boyfriends._

"_What do you mean Logan…?" I questioned taking another step closer, only for the other male to take a step back._

_Logan sighed before starting again, "I mean I don't like you. I've never liked you that way and I thought maybe I could say yes and you would calm down with your love for me or that I would fall in love with you along the way but neither happened and I'm not happy with this 'relationship'..." _

_I didn't know what to say after all everything he had said was true. I had been in love with Logan since middle school when I found out that I was interested in men. I had asked him out a few times; once when I found out I liked him, again whenever we started high school, and one last time before Logan left to University. I was turned down each time and even though he said no I never had to worry about not having him around. I hadn't even seen Logan since he left for University leaving me in tears as I waved good bye to him, but I knew the day he left wasn't going to be the last time I saw Logan. It was about a decade later that I saw Logan again. He had become a doctor like he said he would, I had became a household name first as an actor next as a musician. The first time I saw Logan again was when I had come home. Somehow I had passed out and the next thing I remember Logan was walking into my room asking me questions to make sure I didn't have amnesia or something like that. At first I didn't know that it was him because he went from the small, almost fragile teen to a more professional and a more handsome man. We began to talk more after that and I even stayed in town a little bit longer just to hang out with him a bit more. Whenever I was allowed to leave the hospital I asked him out once more. I realized that it looked like I hadn't dated anyone, holding on to some high school love that would never be acknowledged, much less accepted. But I did date within that time period of not seeing Logan but nothing felt right the way that I thought it would feel with Logan. But because of the length of time that passed between when we had last seen each other I figured I could have a chance so when he said yes I was beyond ecstatic. Its been about half a year since that day and here we are. _

"Hope for things to change, but it gets lonely. I never said I was proud. You start to feel cheap…" I continued on with the song and I look around some more out at the audience. I hadn't even noticed that people had phones out singing along. Hearing them singing I took the microphone off of the stand and walked towards the crowd before holding it out for them to sing along.

"Fool me once, I don't forget I take down every word. Hurt the first time, hurt the last time, hurts more that it hurts," the crowd sings.

"I've been there too many times to Hope for things to change." I finish for them flashing them as happy of a smile as possible.

I couldn't though. My smile faltered, my pain got the best of me at that moment. It is always hardest to smile like nothing has happened, like nothing was going to change. Everything was going to change from this moment on. The plans that I had for us were changed and everything that had happened in the last half a year were all lies and that's what hurts the most. I had already been turned down three times before, a fourth wouldn't have ended me any more or any less than the others did because I had already been there before and going back one last time wouldn't have made the big difference that being broken up was going to have.

The tears started falling down again as much as I wanted them not to. My only hope was that the fans didn't see them but I had a feeling they would, they see everything. I had finally finished the song and was going to start the next one when I was being called off the stage. I smiled and waved to the audience, who had become more rowdy, before walking off. I gave the microphone to one of the stage hands and walked over to my manager. Behind me I could hear the crowd start to scream again.

"Don't worry about it we sent out Heffron Drive again." my manager said, "Is everything alright?"

I looked at him knowing there was no way I could lie to him after all he had just seen me almost have a breakdown, but I didn't want to tell him what it was exactly. "Just some personal stuff Mr. Garcia…" I explained not really wanting to go much into detail even though he could probably guess.

"Okay well go get cleaned up right quick you need to at least perform the last song. Also someone is here to talk to you," he said before tapping my shoulder before going to watch the show.

I walked off saying yes sir under my breath. I made my way to my dressing room quickly. I turned the door and walked in surprised when I saw Logan standing there. I closed the door and walked towards my table turning on the lights around my mirror. I wasn't ignoring him but I wasn't really sure what to say to him plus I was in a hurry considering that Heffron Drive was performing when they weren't supposed to. I started to fix the makeup on my face but quickly put the applicator down before turning to Logan.

"What are you doing here…?" I asked.

Logan stood there awkwardly for a bit before walking towards me. I didn't know what to do what with Logan just walking closer to me, not saying anything or letting any emotion show. I didn't have anywhere to go so I just sat there and turned around in my chair looking at myself in the mirror trying to hide my sorrow. The closer Logan got the quicker I started to fix my makeup. One I didn't know how much more time I had before I had to go back out and two I didn't want Logan to see me so hurt.

"I want to say I was wrong James…" Logan began. He put his arm on the back of my chair. "I-I want to say that I did have feelings for you. I didn't know until the last few days not hearing your voice or seeing you smile. I know now that I do like you and I had to lose you, or let you go to figure it out."

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to attack him and I wanted to tell him that I suffered without him and I wanted to tell him how much I had wanted to just cancel this last show and leave the state, maybe even the country but I couldn't. Sure I loved this man but I didn't want him to think that he had control over when we dated or didn't. I finished re-applying the makeup on my face before turning the chair around forcing Logan's hand off of the back of the chair and for him to step back which gave me enough room to stand up out of the chair without being completely in his business.

"James... "

"Logan don't. Not right now. Okay…?" I said as much as I just wanted to say 'Yes! Yes! I love you too!' .

"I know James! I'm so sorry that this is happening now but I know you were planning on working on your album and I wasn't sure if I would even see you after tonight or if you were even going to do the show tonight."

I sighed. He knew me so well. "So what you just want to go back like nothing even happened. Logan what you said hurt. A lot. I'm still hurting."

"I know James that's why I came to talk to you now. I saw you during the show and I knew I had to talk to you now."

Knock Knock. "You have two more minutes before Heffron Drive finishes their song."

"Alright thanks!" I yell out before looking at Logan. "Can we not talk about this later or at least give me time to think about this."

"Sure. Do you want to get together after the concert?" Logan asked.

"Yeah. Gotta go now though. Bye." I say walking out the door leaving him alone.

I was trying to prolong this as much to not seem desperate but knowing that he did want me made me beyond ecstatic. I looked at a clock walking by and noticed there was only one song left. That disappointed me but I knew that I had to at least perform the last song and apologize to the crowd before the night was over. I walked up to the end of the stage watching the final seconds of Heffron Drive perform. I felt a hand on my shoulder so I turned around to see who it was.

"Everything better James?" Mr. Garcia asked.

"Yeah I think everything will be alright."

"That's good. Don't let something happen like this again alright!" He said with a laugh.

I chuckled a little bit, "it's not like I meant to do this on purpose. Hopefully it won't happen again though."

At this point Heffron Drive had finished their last song for the night and were walking off towards us. The crowd was going wild again knowing that I was coming on one last time for this tour.

"Hey thanks for going on so many times and so suddenly Kendall and Dustin."

Kendall smiled and laugh, "Hey its fine more publicity for us."

Everyone laughed before I said, "Yeah guess so. Good job though. Glad to have you guys on the tour I hope we can have another tour together sometime."

"Yeah hopefully! Well go get 'em James!" Kendall said before walking off patting me on the shoulder followed by Dustin.

Mr. Garcia patted me on the shoulder as well. "Go out there and break a leg."

I nodded my head and walked out onto the middle of the stage once more. The crowd was wild as always.

"Alright before we finish tonight I want to give a big thank you to Heffron Drive!" The crowd went wild again. "I want to welcome them back out on the stage for the last song tonight." The crowd started screaming and yelling. They were even chanting out Heffron Drive. I turned to look at the two boys back on to the stage again. They waved and smiled at the crowd before getting to me putting getting around on each side of me. I put my hand over the microphone.

"Do you know Clarity on guitar?" I questioned Dustin.

"Yes," he said back, "but I left my guitar offstage."

"Go grab it really quick." I say once more before uncovering the microphone, "Alright everyone for the final song we are going to sing Clarity, I know that I should end with an original song but this song really means a lot to me and right now I need a little bit of clarity in my life." I said laughing a bit.

The crowd laughed as well but then started cheering which was when I turned around. I saw Dustin coming back onto stage and once he got close enough to us I nodded my head to him so he would start. He got the sign and started playing the chords to the song.

"High dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life…" I begin.

Kendall and Dustin join after the first line. We sing the song together and the crowd goes wild the entire time. Everything seems perfect right now and I hoped Logan was hearing this. I turned to look around at the ends of the stage to see if he was there but I didn't see him. I wasn't discouraged because it would end up on Youtube at some point anyways but him seeing it live would have been so much better. I would take him back because I did love him even if it wasn't healthy but I have always loved him and now that Logan has feelings for me everything was going to be perfect. Then again it would take time for Logan to love me the way I did him, but he would come around hopefully.

"If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?" We finished the song singing a perfect chord in complete unison with each other.

The audience went crazy after that and we smiled and waved. "Thank you and good night!" we said together before walking off the stage smiling and waving.

"Great show boys. Let's do this again sometime!" Mr. Garcia said giving hugs to everyone. "When are we starting up again James?"

We all said thanks and gave each other hugs, "Um. In a month or so I'll let you know."

"Alright," Mr. Garcia said, "also we'll let you two know because I want all three of you to make at least one song together."

"Yeah that sounds great," Kendall and Dustin said.

"Yeah it does, hey I have to go. Thank you again for a wonderful tour guys, also thank you so much for today covering for me so much. You guys are ready for your own tour even."

They nodded their head and gave me some more hugs before I walked off towards my changing room glad to see Logan still in there.

"Did you catch the show?" I asked.

"Every bit of it! Is that a yes then?" Logan asked stepping closer to me.

"It sure is." I say closing the distance between us putting my arms around him.

Logan put his arms around me as well and we hold each other for a while. Everything feels perfect, us here holding each other with no worries in the world. Logan snuggled in closer and brought him closer to me as well. I kissed Logan's neck and pulled away.

"I hope we never break up again," I say letting go of him to get my phone and keys.

Logan gave me a gentle smile, "I won't break up with you if you don't break up with me."

We laughed as I turned out the light one last time. I turn around to walk towards the door and open it up.

"Ready to go?" I question.

"Of course."

"Let's go then," I say.

Logan walks through the door and walks past me giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. I smile and try to pat him on the head but I miss and giggle about it. Logan laughs too and takes off running.

"I'm going to get you!" I yell after him.

"You already have me!" I hear from down the hall.

I shake my head and close the dressing room door making sure it closes. As soon as I'm sure it's closed I take off after Logan who is laughing and waiting to go home.

Alright so thank you everyone who read this! I feel like I'm rusty if I was even good haha! Anyways things are strange writing fanfiction again is fun and I'm sorry for the long hiatus. I do plan on finishing both "Does he Love You?" and "It Will Rain". I don't have a schedule so hopefully I don't disappear again but I do plan to finish those two and maybe start or finish another story before the end of this year! I do plan on doing little short fics like this one throughout the year so hopefully you guys continue to read my stories and give me support. Well thank you again for reading. I hope you enjoyed reading this. Please review and let know what you liked and didn't like! Well thank you again and have a great day!


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